


"One line"

by SaraBathsheba



Category: Glee RPF
Genre: Glee cast - Freeform, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-06
Updated: 2014-11-26
Packaged: 2018-02-24 07:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2572607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaraBathsheba/pseuds/SaraBathsheba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darren Criss is 30 when he's invited to his soulmate's wedding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Out of tune

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> So, I'm not new in this fandom and not new on this site. This isn't the first thing that I write, but it is the first time that I feel comfortable enough to share it with people I don't know.  
> I'm italian so if you find mistakes, or if something sounds strange, that's the reason. I tried my best but I know how upsetting it is when a fan fiction is bad written or filled with grammar errors.  
> I hope you like it!  
> Sara

 

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    Darren is 30 when he's invited to his soulmate's wedding.
    
    It's a quiet morning, not different from the ones before. He barely had time to shower and get dressed before heading out to the studio where he's recording his album.
    
    He likes living in New York better than in LA. Everything's a little more real, a little more welcoming and familiar. He doesn't feel like every step he takes is going to be measured and judged.He can breath, he can be silly and he can be himself, and even if some days are worse than others, it's still a lot better that the years before.
    
    Not every day is a happy day, anyway. 
    And a day that starts with something Darren would have hoped to never seen written, it's a bad day.
    He doesn't even check his mail always. It's a new thing, having his mail in his house, trying to make things as normal as possible.
    
    The envelope is elegant, and Darren's hands tremble holding it.
    He can't believe his eyes, doesn't want to. He knows well what lies inside even without opening it.
    But he can't resist.
    Apparently, Christopher Colfer and Neil Ostrand are glad to invite him to their wedding.
    The words don't really register in his head: he's suddenly feeling dizzy and he struggles to breath.
    
    He never makes it to work.
    
    **
    
    There's something about Central Park that soothes him.
    Lately, whenever a problem occurs, Central Park can solve it.
    He spends a lot of time just walking and thinking, avoiding the most popular paths, and sometimes sitting on a bench for hours.
    
    It's how he spends his day.
    He can't stop thinking about it.
    There are too many questions in his head, questions that are currently fighting with memories and words, and moments he tought that even the worst outcomes coulnd't ruin, but that are now shattering to pieces.
    
    His phone buzzes in his pocket, and there are probably a few people really mad at him.
    It fells too much like the past, it feels to much like the times he couldn't control his life, and he let it go.
    
    When he thinks about the past, he feels selfish.
    He had a couple of rough years, and he knows that he was mostly his fault, but most of the time he felt helpless and it dind't make it better.
    He knows that his beaviour affected other people, too. People that were too kind and too lovely to be dragged into the mess that was his life. And it was his fault, just his, and he will pay the consequences forever.
    But some days are worse than others.
    
    The air is getting colder and he regrets forgetting about his jacket. He was meant to be out for a couple of hours, but he's been parked on the same old bench for the best part of the day. He can't really find the strenght to leave.
    
    The last time he saw Chris, it didn't go well.
    Well, the last time he talked to him.
    He's seen him plenty of times, on the tv, attending another boring awards ceremony, or at parties with the former cast members of glee (parties where they avoided eachother, and everything was kinda tense and their friends acted weirdly and didn't know if they could talk to both of them).
    
    But the last time they talked, he said things he will regret forever.
    He knows that the worst thing about regret is that's something you can't change, and that has the ability to haunt your life 'til your last breath.
    But every waking moment he wishes he could change that night, that he could just stop talking and leave. He whishes he could erase the coldness on Chris's face, the sadness in his eyes. 
    Because the worst things is that Chris had “regret” written all over his face, and Darren doesn't know most things, but he knows the last thing he wanted was to become a regret.
    
    He can't imagine why Chris would want him there in the most important day of his life.
    And he doesn't want to think of it as something Chris did to hurt him.
    He knows Chris, and he would never do something like that.
    He's just so lost, and cold, too. He tries to remember what got him carrying on when life seemed too much.
    Chris is all he can think about.
    
    **
    
    The wedding is supposed to be in three months. 
    It's clearly stated, in an elegant font, the day and the names and all of that.
    Darren used to dream about this. 
    Sometimes, when it was late at night and they were curled up in bed, he could imagine their future together.
    He would imagine a house, maybe a dog, a worn out bed. He imagined a wedding and the stunning smile of his mother.
    Those memories were fond and he found reassurance in them, at first.
    But, too soon, they were just another part of the nightmare.
    They were what was too out of his reach, too perfect for him to deserve it.
    They weren't something that could happen, not with the way Chris was hurting, not with them ending up as far as possible when they layed in bed, while he cried and he could hear Chris try to control his own tears.
    
    So, he stopped.
    He told himself that he was going to live day by day.
    And he had to do that alone.
    
    **
    
    When he finally picks up his phone, he's ashamed.
    There are at least ten calls from his boss, who is a pretty intimidating young woman who knows how to put him in his place.
    She probably ended up calling his family too, because there's a lost call from his mother and an angry message from his brother telling him to answer his fucking phone.
    
    He understands. 
    They are scared. Scared that he could do something stupid or that he would let his mind be fogged by alchol once again.
    And he thought about it, since he opened the envelope. He did.
    But he's in a better place now, and he would never do something that would damage even more the lives of the people he cares about the most.
    
    He calls back his mum, first, and she gives him a stern lecture.
    -Can you even imagine how worried I was?-
    He sighs. He can hear that she's hurt.
    -I know, mum, I'm sorry. It's just... I guess I had a bad day.-
    -Liz told us that she's been waiting for hours! Everyone was worried sick! You can't disappear like that!-
    -I told you, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking...-
    -Yeah, you weren't! Next time you pull up a stunt like this, I'm just going to the airport to catch a plane! I love you so much, I know it's been hard but lately you seemed to be getting better...-
    He clears his voice. He knows that if he doesn't say it, she will go on and on.
    He doesn't want to say it.
    -Chris is getting married-
    And saying it out loud makes it even more real.
    Cerina is silent for a while.
    -Oh, sweetheart. I'm... are you okay? Who told you?-
    -He thought that inviting me would make sense. I'm still trying to figure out that one.-
    -I... I don't know what to say, honey. Maybe you should come back here for a little bit? Just... So you're not alone?-
    Oh, he knew she would go there.
    -I'll think about it, ok? I just need time to.. process this, I think? I'll be better soon.-
    He tries to believe his own words.
    
    He doesn't call his brother, just text him, and well, he's quite scared of calling Liz. She's not a traditional boss, and she knows everything about his situation (well, she had to listen to his songs, and he put his heart into them) but she could hardly be happy about his beahviour.
    So he sends a delivery guy to her house with a really big pizza and an apology message.
    
    It's just when she texts him, later (“bring your ass to work tomorrow and maybe I will forgive you. Just because the pizza was delicious”) that he notices another message.
    He recevied it in the afternoon, but it was lost between the calls.
    
    He's quite confused when he reads it.
    Even more, when he sees who's sending it.
    
    From: **Lea <3**
    
    Did you get it?
    
    
    
    
    **
    
    Lea Michele always knows everything, about everyone.
    When they were still working together, Darren spent a lot of time trying to figure out how she would be, at the same time, the person with most knowledge on what was going on on set, and the one that everyone avoided the most when they were searching for advice.
    She would just put on a midly terrifying smile, and shrug it off “I have my ways”.
    Darren knows that Chris used to talk to her, a lot.
    And she was the first that caught them doing... well, not using their changing rooms to change.
    
    He didn't talk to her for a year and a half.
    Actually, he didn't talk to a lot of people for the same amount of time.
    So, seeing her words light up on his phone seems really out of place.
    But she might have the answers, so he has to break the wall he build around him to protect him from the people from his past, and answer.
    
    **Darren**
    I guess you're talking about the gold envelope with the big happy news?
    
    **Lea <3**
    Darren.
    
    **Darren**
    Yeah I did. Can't say it made my day.
    
    **Lea**
    I'm in NY this weekend.
    We should meet.
    
    
    Talking to her is okay.
    Meeting her, he's not sure. 
    He doesn't know if he could manage it.
    He doesn't know if the best thing to do is forget about this whole messy situation, and go back to his daily life.
    One day at time.
    But he's tired of being alone.
    
    **Darren**
    I'm free.
    
    **
    
    He invites her to his house.
     Not many people visit him, but he keeps it tidy and clean.
    It helps him keeping his mind busy when he's in a bad mood.
    Lea, being Lea, doens't need to be told twice.
    
    She appears on his doorway the morning after, with a really big smile on her face and shiny eyes.
    -Honey!- she hugs him, and once again Darren's reminded of her unexplicable strenght.
    
    He smiles, too.
    Seeing her brings back a lot of things (Chris, Chris, everything revolves around him) but mostly, he can deal with it.
    -Lea. You look amazing.-
    -And you're as charming as ever-.
    
    She enters, and it's so strange, seeing someone from the past walk into this place that was free, until that moment, from memories that Darren always tried to carry inside him. 
    -This place is so nice! You know, I've always thought that New York would fit you the best, and turns out I was right!- she says, sitting on the sofa and sending pleased glances all around. He sits next to her.
     -Yeah I'm.. I'm good. It's harder to get lost, here.-
    
    She smiles sweetly, in a way that tells him that she knows way too well what he's talking about. Sometimes, he forget that she had her rough years, too. 
    
    -I'm glad that you're better. Really. When you disappeared like that... I was so worried. Eveyone was. We understood that you needed time and space, but we just wanted to know that you were fine.- her eyes never leave his face.
    
    -I wasn't-.
    He says it like that, like a fact, because it's the truth. He wasn't fine. He was so far from fine.
    But somehow, he feels a little warmer at the thought that his friends cared enough to be worried about him.
    -I've been a jerk. I was so caught up in my problems that I... I run away. It's a thing I do, apparently-. 
    He's avoiding her eyes, so he's quite surprised when he feels a hand on his own.
    Her touch is warm.
    
    -You didn't run away. You wanted help, and you needed to get away from L.A. to get it. It's okay. Look at you know, being all handsome and healthy again!-
    He knows she's making an effort. They're both kind of uncomfortable, but she's a really nice person, she's always been, and Darren trusts her.
    He squeezes her hand.
    
    -No, I know. I'm glad I'm here now. I was so.. so close to hitting rock bottom, you can't even imagine. And the worst thing is I was dragging other people with me. I can barely forgive myself now, I can't even imagine if...-
    And then she's hugging him again, and she's kind of crying, too.
    Darren feels bad. He's tired of making people cry.
    
    When they part, she's fast to dry her tears with her hand.
    -I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.-
    -No, hey. Don't worry.-
    They both smiles again, and suddenly the atmosphere shifts. They're at ease, now, and Lea takes his hand.
    Darren thinks a lot about his next words, and he's so torn about saying them.
    -So... this wedding.-
    When she hears them, there's a strange light in her eyes. If he didn't know better, Darren would say that Lea has never looked so much like Rachel Berryas she does then.
    -Listen. I know Chris. I've seen him grow up, I've kept his secrets and I helped him get through his first crushes.- Darren cringes. He's never been good with the whole “sharing Chris” thing. _He's getting married, you dumbass. You better get used to him being with someone else_ his brain supplies. -And with his first love.- She smiles again, then, a mishevious smile, and Darren knows she's probably remebering something inapporpriate.
    - I've seen him sad. I've seen him cry, I've seen him mad. I've seen him ok and then I've seen him being the happiest person on the planet.And no, that wasn't in chronological order.-
    He knows, then, what she's trying to say. And it's unfair, it's fucking unfair.
    -I've made him miserable too. I mostly made him miserable.-
    It's not more than whisper, he can't afford much else.
    -Yeah, you did. And I hated you, God, I was this close to start a fight with you so many times, Darren, you can't even imagine. But the thing is, he didn't. He didn't hate you, not ever, not even once.-
    It hurts, it hurts so much, and there are like a million things that he wants to say that are exploding inside him, a vortex of memories and words and feelings and tears, there are tears on his face.
    -What I'm trying to say is that you both need closure, at least. When he told me that he was inviting the whole old crew I almost couldn't believe him. I didn't say anything, but I... I know this is hard for you.  I don't know why he did it and you could probably just ignore it, but...-
    She plays with her bag.
    -I just want Chris to be happy again. And you, too.-
    
    **
    
    He doesn't say a lot of things.
    He doesn't ask her what gives her the right to decide what should be the best for them. He doesn't ask her what he's supposed to do. He doesn't tell her that he was getting better, so much better, and that this feels like being dragged back by the hair into everything he's worked so hard to escape from.
    
    He hugs her, and promise that he will think about it.
    He forces a smile when she tells him that they should see each other more often.
    He pretends that this afternoon didn't just reduce his world in pieces.
    He says goodbye and for the first time in a long time, getting a drink is the only thing on his mind.
    
    **
    
    _The happiest person on the planet._
    It's hard noticing that someone's the happiest person on the planet when you feel exactly the same, but he can remember some times when Chris was really shining from happiness.
    Once they were on the floor, in his living room.
    Half naked, and half asleep, and he was resting his head on Chris' lap, while he played with his curls.
    They were watching a cartoon, something really stupid, probably.
    Darren could still taste chocolate on his lips, from before. They tried feeding each other and only ended up laughing like fools and with stains of chocolate everywhere.
    -Okay, question time.-
    He was always inspired when Chris stroked his hair.
    -Shoot.-
    -Will you still love me even if my attempts at being sexy with chocolate ended up in a food fight?-
    Chris laughed a little, and Darren could feel it from where his ear was resting on his belly.
    -Uhmm who says that I love you, anyway?-
    Darren just grinned and stared at him.
    -You. You, like, all the time.-
    Chris leaned down, a grin on his own lips, too, and pulled him in for a brief kiss.
    -Let's try with strawberries and whip cream, next time, and if it goes well, maybe I'll consider the whole loving you thing.-
    Darren kissed him again, more firmly, and he could literally feel the happiness sparkling between them.
    -You just gave me _so many ideas_ -
    
    **
    
    He doesn't know why he does it.
    It's the lack of alchol, probably.
    And the fact that what Lea said keeps going on and on in his head.
    He's angry, too, a little bit.
    He wants answers and there's just one way he'll get them.
    He takes a picture of the envelope with his phone.
    He's glad he was never able to delete that number, either from his phone nor from his memory.
    He just writes “Why?” on top of the picture, and hits send.
    Five seconds later, and he's already regretting it.
    
    **
    “We need to talk”, is what greets him the next morning.
    
    


	2. "Old notes"

 

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    Darren stares at the screen of his phone for way too long.
    It's just a couple of words, but they mean so much that he can barely breath.
    He feels overwhelmed by the whole situation, and if he could, he would just hide in his bed and pretend that the last week never happened. 
    
    But Chris sent him a message.
    A clear message, a cold one, maybe, but still.
    Chris wants to talk to him. Again. Chris wants to talk to him after years of silence, a silence that was so deep and hurtful that Darren still wears the scars it left on his soul.
    
    He doesn't know how to reply. 
    He doesn't even know if he wants to reply, because, honestly, what good could come from this?
    They're living different lives, now, seperate lives. And it's true that Chris is still there, somehow, that he crawled underneath his skin and never really left, but Darren must learn to go on without him.
    
    He spends a lot of time in his bed, trying to make up his mind.
    Mostly, he thinks about what not answering would mean.
    Chris would probably never talk to him, ever again.
    And it's okay, it's exactly what he repeated to himself for months, every day.
    Chris is getting married to another man. Now would be the perfect time to let him go, forever.
    But Darren has never been able to let go of Chris easily.
    That's part of the reason why he had to rebuilt his life in a different city.
    
    **
    
    **Darren**
    Didn't really mean to send that. 
    
    It's childish, and it makes him feel like a coward, but it's the only thing he can think of.
    He's giving Chris a way out. It's one of the things that destroyed their “us”, the fact that Darren was always, subconsciously searching for a way out.
    It seems only right to give it to Chris, now, when there are so many things that could go wrong and at the same time there's nothing to lose.
    
    He tries to forget about his phone, and buries it under two or three pillows.
    He eats too much, and he watches bad tv. 
    He doesn't work too hard, or too often. It was part of his “getting better” plan.
    He couldn't let work be the most important part of his life, not again.
    
    It was difficult, finding someone who still wanted to work with him.
    With the way things went after glee ended, not many people were willing to help him rebuild his imagine.
    He's glad that Liz and the firm she works for gave him this chance. 
    When he sings, when he works on his album he can almost (almost) forget the moments when everything just disappeared from his hands.
    
    **
    
    He was never really okay with lying to people.
    That had been a consequence, something to adapt to, something he couldn't change. He was quite fine with it, the first couple of years.
    It got worse when Chris was in the picture.
    
    It started to change him.
    All the lies, all the acting, all the time. 
    It was all he could think about.
    His image, what he wanted to protect. 
    His career, something he had worked so hard for. 
    Something that was so fragile.
    
    Chris left him. He left him, and he had every reason to.
    Darren often wondered what made him stay for so long.
    After that, nothing mattered anymore.
    
    **
    In the late afternoon, he can't resist anymore. He has to check his phone.
    
    **Chris**
    But you did.
    
    The thing with Chris was, he didn't want a way out.
    He had been there for him, always, every step of the way.
    He had been there until Darren was so disgusted with himself he could barely look in the mirror.
    He had been there and he had been strong and he had never once stopped giving him support.
    But everyone has a breaking point.
    
    **Darren**
    I'm not the only one who mistakenly sent something, then
    
    **Chris**
    I still think we should talk
    
    **Darren**
    Well apparently we are. Why did you send that?
    
    **Chris**
    This is not talking
    
    **
    
    Darren believed in true love.
    At least, he used to.
    Since his childhood, he used to dream about the day he would finally get to be the prince in someone's story.
    Usually, it was the prettiest girl of his year.
    Sometimes, it was a boy that kept a lot to himself.
    He was never truly concerned about that.
    
    Love wasn't complicated.
    When he loved someone, he just wanted to give that person every last bit of him, he just wanted to make that person happy.
    
    With Chris, it was the easiest thing to ever happen to him, and at the same time, the most difficult one.
    
    **
    
    **Darren**
    I think I remember you saying that you never wanted to talk to me again
    
    “That's it” he thinks.
    There's no way Chris is going to answer to that.
    That conversation is like a solid wall between them, a wall that got stronger and thicker year by year.
    It's there when he thinks about Chris, whenever he remembers him. It's in his memories and the words are sculpted into his brain.
    
    **
    
    
    It was a normal evening.
    The tension in the room was high, and they were both pretending to be busy.
    Chris was typying on his computer, a lost look on his face.
    Darren was holding his guitar like a shield.
    They were sitting far from each other.
    They were going to wrap Glee two days after that.
    That morning, Darren had been drunk when he had arrived on set.
    Darren stroked his guitar, lightly, almost afraid. He had been sleeping for the whole afternoon, and Chris still had to acknwoledge his presence.
    He began playing, singing mostly to himself.
    -Would you quit that?-
    Chris' voice was icy, glacial almost.
    -Since when do you mind me playing?-
    -I'm trying to work. You're loud and distracting-
    It was routine. The bickering, the bitter remarks.
    -I'm trying to work too.-
    Chris had laughed, a very fake laugh.
    -Since when do you take work seriously?-.
    Darren had put the guitar down, at that, and faced Chris.
    They were still sitting very still, waiting for the inevitable fight that was due to happen.
    -I don't even want to have this conversation.-
    He was tired. It seemed like they were always fighting.
    -Oh but I do. I really want to.-
    Darren got up, a hand massaging his temples. 
    -You're not even talking about this. You're mad about this morning.-
    Chris got up, too. 
    -So you do remember this morning. You know, since you could barely stand up without help.-
    Darren felt it, like a punch. The disappointment.
    -I had a rough night.-
    -Yes, that's what I gathered when you didn't come back home and you couldn't be bothered to answer my texts.-
    He closed his eyes, his head still pulsing, a constant reminder of his mistakes.
    -You know I didn't want to go out, in the fisrt place. But we have to be seen together sometimes or people will start to..-
    -I don't give a fuck what people will think, Darren!-
    Chris was almost yelling. 
    -That's the only thing you can talk about! People will think this, people will say that! It's like you don't care about anything else!-
    That's when he felt it; his whole being, starting to shatter to pieces.
    -You know that's not true.-
    Chris took a deep breath.
    -So you care, then? When, exactly? When you spend hours on your phone arguing with Ricky? When you get drunk because we can't go out? When you embarass me in front of my friends? When you can't even stand near to me? Do you even want this anymore?-
    Chris was shaking. Darren tried his best to hold his tears.
    -So what? You're breaking up with me? Just because you can't show me around? You know that I try my best, you knew it wouldn't be easy when it started..-
    -This isn't “not easy”, Darren, this is the most difficult thing to ever happen to me! You're not the same person you were when this started. You're obsessed with yourself. You can't even stand the thought of failure.-
    Anger and sadness were fighting inside Darren.
    -So that's it? You don't love me anymore just because I'm trying to make it big?-
    -See? See? This isn't about your damn career! This is about us!-
    Chris turned away from him.
    -You're so caught up in your world that you didn't even notice, but this isn't working anymore. I don't think I can't do this anymore.-
    Darren tried to approach him, then.
    -Chris. Please. I love you. You know that. I know this is hard, now, but I'll make it better. As soon as...-
    Chris took a step back, succesfully avoiding his touch.
    -You used to say that it would be over with the show. The lies. And, you know, it's not even that, Dare. I could stand that. But you can't. So, when is it going to end? You're going to do that movie, and then? What if they offer you something else? You don't even realize how much this is affecting you!-
    Darren couldn't believe that it was going to end like that.
    -It is affecting me because I don't want to do it! But I can't do anything about it! I thought that of all people, you would understand that I need someone to get me through this. I can't do this alone.-
    The pleading in his voice was clear, but Chris ignored it.
    -This is destroying us, and you are blind if you don't see it!-
    Something dark flashed before his eyes. He lost his grip on reality.
    -Is this about someone else?-
    Chris froze on the spot.
    -How dare you... How dare you even think that I would do something like that? I've spent the last years of my life living a lie because of you! I did it because I thought that what we had was special. How dare you accuse me of... cheating, of all things?-
    -Past tense, interesting. So who's the lucky guy?-
    He didn't want to say it. He didn't even believe it. He knew that Chris was suffering. Chris' pain was the first reason he could barely get up in the morning. But he was angry, and scared.
    -You know what, Darren? Fuck you. I'm trying to save what's left to save, and you're just acting like a douche.-
    -You're the one who started this fight! You think I'm not doing the same? Maybe I should just stop! Maybe I should give up! Sometimes I wonder if this is even worth the trouble.-
    Chris stared at him, silently, wounded. He looked at him with disgust.
    -Get out of here. We're done. I'm not going to be treated like this. Get out and don't even think about coming back.-
    He the grabbed his jacket, and left the apartment.
    Darren stared at the door for quite some time, before he was finally able to leave.
    
    
    **
    
    They didn't talk after that.
    Chris ignored all of Darren's calls.
    Darren knew that it hadn't been just that evening. 
    The damage was deep and it seemed impossible to repair.
    He spent a whole week constantly drunk.
    One day he found all of the stuff he had left at Chris in his living room.
    
    **
    
    Darren tries to stay calm.
    He still would like to know why Chris had to reopen all the wounds, wounds that were finally starting to heal.
    He still wants to yell in his face that it wasn't fair, and that he had been cruel, and that he is sorry.
    He still need to say that he never regretted it, not even once, not even when he cried himself to sleep.
    
    But he has to face the music. If Chris had wanted to clarify things, before, there's no way he's going to do it now.
    He goes to sleep, hoping to shut up the memories.
    
    **
    
    The next day, he's with Liz.
    They're trying to get a grip on a song that just won't come out right.
    -Okay, no, stop.-
    Liz is firm.
    She sits next to him.
    -Do you want to tell me what's happening? Because I wouldn't intrude in your life like this- Darren raises an eyebrow -not this much, anyway. But it's affecting your work.-
    Darren sighs, and avoids her eyes.
    -I... well, something from my past came up this week and I... I'm trying to deal with it. It's not... it's not easy. But I can make it. I promise that by next week, I'll be fine.-
    She seems resigned, and pats his knee.
    -So there's no way I can get you to focus now, right?-
    -I'm sorry, I just didn't sleep last night and I'm kinda getting lost in my head, you know?-
    -Yeah, I noticed. That phone of yours has been buzzing like crazy in the last ten minutes and you didn't even hear it.-
    -Really?-
    Liz laughs. She tries her best, acting stern, but she's a big softie after all.
    -Check it out, come on. We're finished for today.- She gets up, and so does Darren.
    His phone is on a table, and there are actually many unread messages on it.
    
    **Chris**
    I never said that.
    **Chris**
    I need to talk to you. 
    **Chris**
    Lea gave me your address
    **Chris**
    She had to.
    **Chris**
    I'll be in NY next week.
    **Chris**
    Can I come over?
    
    **
    
    It's so much.
    Darren can't believe it.
    It's more than he ever dared to hope for, and still, it's so confusing.
    
    **Darren**
    I think it would be a mistake.
    
    He doens't, not really. He doens't even know what to think.
    He's just searching for the simplest solution, the one that won't make him go back to the his dark place.
    He doesn't think he can see Chris.
    He doesn't think he can be in the same room with him, alone.
    He shakes just thinking about it.
    
    **Chris**
    I'm getting married.
    
    Well, Darren is alone, sitting in his living room, but he can't help it.
    He laughs out loud, bitterly.
    
    **Darren**
    I kinda got that
    
    He just waits for a couple of minutes, his mind lost, trying to understand what Chris wants. Why he is acting so strange.
    
    **Chris**
    You don't understand.
    **Chris**
    I'm getting married, but I don't know if I can.
    **Chris**
    Because of you.


	3. Refrain

 

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    Darren is a pro at reading people.
    People are his field, he's good with them, he's at ease, he can charm their pants off with a wink and a smile.
    It's always been like that, from his first teacher to his first boss, to the stranger met on the street. 
    He just knows what to say, how to say it; he knows what they'll like, what will make them like him. 
    It's not like he plans those things, it's all very natural, and also very convenient, when you are a celebrity. 
    
    And then there's Chris.
    Chris is something completely different, completely out of his reach.
    With him, Darren can be himself, and however clichè that sounds, it's true. 
    But he doesn't always get Chris. 
    He never understood if it was a matter of will: before they were a thing, Chris had tried really hard to disguise his true feelings around him, and Darren always wondered if that had ever changed, after all. No, Chris never lied to him: but he liked that there were things that he could keep to himself, that there were feelings that he could decide to hide.
    It was something that sometimes led them to fight, too.
    Because, on the other hand, Chris had always been a fucking master in the art of reading Darren Criss.
    Even in the worst moments, even when Darren felt him slipping away, he knew that Chris knew everything, every mood, every sad thoguth, every tear. Sometimes it was overwhelming: almost like Chris knew Darren better than Darren himself. Other times, it was fantastic.
    Right now, Darren would give anything to understand it all.
    
    **
    
    He doesn't answer.
    Not right away, not after a day. Not after two.
    The messages are the only thing he can think about, but he doesn't answer.
    He hates Chris for the whole thing.
    He hates him because he had convinced himself that all was well, that the past was in the past, and now he's left with the aching feeling that his life is still as messed up as it was before.
    And the mess had been there, all along, he just was too stubborn to look at it.
    
    At the same time, he doesn't hate Chris.
    He used to, sometimes. He's not proud of those moments (and there are too many things he's not proud of). 
    But when his mind was fogged enough by the alchol, he would always end up hating on Chris, because it had been him. He had made him fall in love, he had trapped him.
    Except, not at all.
    It was him, Darren, all by himslef: he built his cage and he chose to remain inside it, ignoring the times when Chris tried to let him know that there was a way out, together. 
    
    He finishes his coffee.
    He still has to go to work and maybe do some grocery shopping (it's amazing how food can comfort him).
    He's glad that his mum hasn't called him in the last days: she would detect that something was worse in a matter of seconds. He also debates if he should go back home for a while, as she had suggested. It doesn't seem a bad idea, not really, but he's not ready to hide, not yet. 
     
    **
    
    He tries to stay as far away from the media as he can.
    Which it's not easy, since he loves the internet.
    But he restrains himself, wasting his time with tv shows and old dvds. 
    He used to watch most of them with Chris, for their weekly movie night (which turned to sex more often than not) so it kinda hurts, but still.
    His realtionship with magazines and journalists definetely changed after the break-up. Where he used to be careful, nice, condiscendent, he transformed into an angry, desperate, bitchy man who couldn't give a fuck about what they were going to put in their headlines.
    
    That's why he tries to avoid them as much as he can.
    He still uses his twitter account: it's great to keep up with his fans (the ones that stayed, at least) and it's a nice change since he's able to write whatever he wants on it. He even left some clues about his sexuality (nothing big, but some of them had picked on it), because it's not like somebody's going to throw a fit about that, not anymore.
    
    He's out on the street, music in his ears.
    He's got a warm croissant in a bag in his right hand, and a coffe to go in his left: he's going to surprise Liz and apologize for last time (food is always the best option with her).
    He doesn't know why it catches his eyes; most of the times, he doesn't even look that way.
    It's the photo, probably: an old photo of Chris, around season six, with his hair coiffed and a tired smile on his face. Where everyone else sees a proud, happy man, Darren can recognize the sadness in his eyes.
    It's a good photo, anyway, and it drifts his mind away for a little while, so that it's after a couple of minutes that he notices the headline.
    “Glee star about to tie knot!”
    
    He buys the magazine.
    He can't help it. He buries it in his guitar case, hoping to forget about it, but it's there, all the way to the studio.
    He thinks about going back home, but the breakfast in his hands reminds him of his responsabilty: he won't let Liz down, not again. She would end up calling everyone, too, and it's the last things he wants.
    
    **
    
    Liz is going through her phone, apparently bored, when he greets her.
    Her eyes find the bags immediately.
    -That's why you're my favourite!-
    He smiles. 
    -Uhmm who said they're for you?-
    -Watch it, Criss.  I can make your life a living hell.-
    She gets up and easily reaches her breakfast.
    -So, are you feeling better?- she asks around a mouthful of croissant.
    -Yeah. Yeah, definetely.- he lies -I'm really sorry about Friday. I should be able to focus. I'll be more careful.-
    She eyes him, a strange look on her face.
    -Ok, let's pretend I believe you. Just because you even remembered my coffe order.-
    The echo of an old line dies on his lips.
    He really can't escape.
    
    **
    
    He makes it home after a full day of work.
    Somehow, he was able to shut everything out, and it went amazingly well.
    Liz was happy, he was happy, they finished two tracks and he' s tired, but good tired.
    He just wants to lie on his bed with something good to eat and some quality reality show time.
    But the magazine is still there, hidden from his sight but painfully reminding him of his presence.
    Resigned, he picks it up from the case.
    
    **
    
    It's mostly things he already knows.
    How great Chris is, how Glee was the perfect opportunity for Chris to start his career (which now mostly consist of writing, and that, too, he knew). 
    How great is that Hollywood is changing, and being gay isn't a taboo like it used to (he snorts at that. Loudly). 
    How Chris didn't leak any details about his weeding, but it's going to be great, for sure. 
    There are small bits about his partner (Darren doens't even like his name): he's a photographer, apparently (that, Darren didn't know) who works for modeling agencies, and he's  35 (and Chris used to call Darren old man!).
    It's stupid, hating on this man just because he has what he wants, but he can't help it.
    There's a small picture, too. 
    He definetely looks good, in the traditional way. He's tall, taller than Chris, and well built. He's dressed nicely (Chris is in the picture, too, so Darren assumes it's some kind of event) and his smile his wide, like he can't believe what's going on around him.
    Darren would like to tell him that his hair look dumb and that his tan looks fake.
    He would like to point out that Chris isn't even touching him in the picture, and that the wrinkles in his face aren't hidden properly.
    He feels better, in a strange way. It's satisfying, coming up with bad things about him, reasons to dislike the man.  
    At the same time, Darren knows that he's still just trying to process it all.
    
    He can't help but grab his phone. 
    There's a text he needs to answer to.
    
    **
    
    
    **Darren**
    I think you're saying that to the wrong person.
    
    He turns the tv on, preparing himself for a long, long waiting.
    The buzz of the phone startles him.
    
    **Chris**
    Oh so you didn't lose your phone, after all. Again.
    
    **Darren**
    That was once and you were mostly to blame.
    
    It's easier, this way. Darren feels like after all they've been through, they should be talking with tears and long sentences and feelings exposed, but this, this he can do.
    They can make fun of eachother, they're perfect at that, and if a life changing revelation comes up in the between, well, it's not like they parted in the best way.
    
    **Chris**
    Tsk. It was hardly my fault.
    
    **Chris**
    So.
    I know I shouldn't ask this.
    
    **Darren**
    Yes, I will be your bridesmaid
    
    **Chris**
    Sadly you're not Patrick Dempsey.
    That's not what I wanted to ask, though.
    
    **Darren**
    I'm listening.
    
    **Chris**
    Do you think we could try the whole meeting thing? I really, really think we need to talk.
    I know it's a lot to ask.
    Just, consider it.
    
    **Darren**
    Let me think about it.
    
    **Darren**
    p.s.: Patrick Dempsey is not better than me thank you very much.
    
    **
    
    Darren thinks about it.
    And then he thinks about it some more.
    He can't fool anyone, not even himself: he never fell out of love with Chris. It's always been there.
    He knows that Chris may have changed, that he is not, for sure, the man he was when they were together.
    He also knows that his beahviour wasn't easy on his boyfriend. 
    The way they parted... it's like there's a big, heart-wrenching hole in his chest.
    Lea was actually right, they could use closure.
    Chris isn't sure about his wedding and maybe it's not Darren's fault, but he can make an effort to try and help him.
    Chris would do that for him.
    
    **
    
    **Darren**
    Does friday work for you?
    
    **Chris**
    My plane just landed.
    Friday's perfect.
    
    **
     
    More often than not, especially when he's got nothing to do and his mind wanders, he thinks about how it all started.
    It wasn't love at first sight, not really.
    For istance, both he and Chris had already seen eachother before meeting in person. So, when they were finally face to face, it was acutally quite awkward, even if they clicked istantly.
    Chris was witty and funny and probably embarassed, se he had tried to hide it all under jokes and references, and Darren had been so caught up in his words, he didn't even notice the time passing.
    But when “them” started, that was another story.
    The blame was mostly on him: he always knew what he wanted, and once he realized that he really wanted Chris, he had done anything in his power to get him.
    He had teased him during the whole Glee tour. With the bet, and all that was going on, Darren had felt alive, he had felt like he could get away with anything. 
    When he had kissed him on a stage, Chris knew that he was still kidding, still teasing.
    When Chris had stolen his tie, with a provocative grin and a kiss on his cheek, Darren knew that he just wanted revenge for the lost bet.
    When, that night, they had found eachother alone in the hotel room they were (conveniently) sharing, Chris had kissed him, suddenly, while he had been lost in a very articulated speech about aliens or something like that.
    Darren whishes it could have always been that easy: kisses, and laughter, and no worries at all.
    
    
    **
    
    Friday comes way too soon.
    Darren would have prefered to meet in a public place, a reastaurant, or something, but being seen together mere months before Chris wedding wasn't the best idea. And it wasn't like they could talk in Chris' hotel room: they had never been good at talking when there was a bed in sight.
    So they settle for his house, and of course Darren goes through a crazy cleaning state and spends hours convincing himself that he can do it, that even if that was his new place, his “chris-free” place, it had never been like that, anyway.
    Chris knocks on the the door, and he's exactly one minute late.
    
    **
    
    As soon as he opens the door, Darren knows that he has underestimated the whole thing.
    Chris looks... well, he looks beautiful, of course. Hi hair are a little less perfect than usual, and he's wearing a light coat, with a scarf that it's so Kurt it almost makes Darren smile. He also looks a bit older, more like an adult than he ever had before. It's a very good look on him, and Darren can't help but let his eyes roam all over. Chris notices, and blushes, a little bit.
    -I... I'm sorry. You should... ehm, come in.-
    He's at a loss of words (so rare for him) and Chris just smiles.
    -Well then you should probably move-
    Darren notices that he's blocking the way and makes room for Chris. They silently make their way to the living room.
    Chris eyes the couch, and Darren's fast to invite him to sit.
    They just sit together for a couple of minutes, the silence uncomfortable (and it had never, never been like that), Chris looking around and Darren staring at the floor.
    -This place is... empty.-
    Darren can't help but look around, too, and it's true. There's only basic furniture in the living room, but it barely looks like someone lives there. It's unlike him: he used to pack his rooms with stuff, every last bit of the walls. He never felt the urge to do the same here, in New York. Probably to keep the house from reminding him of something else.
    -Iit kinda is, yes.-
    Chris just shakes his head, closing his eyes.
    -I'm sorry. This is... I probably shouldn't have come. I don't even know...-
    Darren freezes. He holds his head up, looking at ceiling.
    -I guess we're better with texts- Chris says around a nervous laughter. Darren settles his eyes on him, noticing for the first time that he looks tired. Tired, worried, kind of sad.
    -I don't want to make you uncomfortable. You can leave, if you want to, I won't be offended or...-
    -No, no. I put you through this all and you definetely deserve an explanation.-
    Darren notices the small ring on his finger.
    -It wasn't me. -
    Confusion meets Chris' words. 
    -What are you talking about?-
    Chris sighs, visibly embarassed. It looks like it's the last thing he would want to talk about.
    -The wedding. I didn't invite you. It wasn't me.-
    Darren's even more confused, if possible. He's just trying to figure out what the hell happened when Chris put a drastic end to his thoughts.
    -It was Lea.-


End file.
